Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in decepticron's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Monday, November 23rd, 2009
7:30 pm	I've run out of funny or catchy subject lines... (post will be long) considering the fact that its been over a month since i last updated on this... i figured it was time to say something. there really truely is not much that has been happening... well i take that back... lets start where i left off before... last i wrote, my ex and i were in good spirits with each other. then, my stupidity from a few months ago, fucked things up majorly. when faced with the notion that she was through with me for good, i may have over reacted. my older brother held me as i cried and explained to him why i felt like shit. he then proceeds to call my mum and tell her that he's taking me with him to a halloween party. she reluctantly agrees. my brother then hands me a cigarette as we drive away from the house and he tells his friend "tonight we will help my little sister forget certain... people... and we will help her make new friends and have a damn good time". we drive off to the liquor store and he runs in to get a bottle of vodka, and some beer. we leave dallas and go to arlington. on the way there i recieve a txt from my ex telling me that i have ruined any chance of us ever getting back together. my heart... or what was left of it... crumbled into a million pieces. my soul evaporated, my happiness ripped away from me. nothing mattered to me anymore... i kept hoping that we would get into a car accident and i would be the only one who died. my brother had already told me i wasn't allowed to drink much... but... after that txt... i put it into my head that i didn't care how much i drank, i wanted to make everything go away. however possible. once at the house where the party is, my brother hands me a beer and says, while looking me straight in the eyes, "chris... i want you to have a good time. and meet new people. people that will not be mean to you. people that will always love you like you deserve." one beer is not enough to get me to talk to people i don't know. and of course... it wasn't all i had. so after 4 beers, 4 rum jello shots, 3 tequila jello shots, 5 vodka shots, chugging someones vodka, and a glass of baccardi, and a second hand high off of the smoke, i was able to hit on, and get hit on by, 4 very pretty girls.. and then make a fool of myself by the fact that my subconcious cannot and will not ever let go of the girl i love with every fiber of my being. i broke down... i started sobbing into my hands... i cried to an invisible angel... someone only i could see... i apologized, crying, sobbing. i begged her to not leave me... i fell onto the floor crying. one of the girls i was hitting on, and who was hitting on me, saw me, she felt sorry for me. she held me as i cried, and stopped me from drunk dialing my ex to tell her how sorry i was. i don't know when or why this girl got up and left me, i just remember being picked up off the floor to a sitting up position by my brother, he held me as i was still sobbing. he tells me "i'm so sorry chris, i'm so sorry you have to feel such heartache. you don't deserve this. you don't deserve this". never before that night, have me and my brother bonded so well... he hands me off to someone i didn't know... i cried in her lap for 15 mins, still somewhat drunk, i told her she had nice legs, she lalughed and asked me how much i had to drink. i told her i had no fucking idea. still crying, i started talking about my ex, how much i love her, how badly i wanted to tell her i was sorry. tracy, the person i didn't know, proceeds to "pet" my head, it was so calming. and in my drunken stupor, my mind placed my ex in tracy's spot. i began to rub her leg, she just laughed, i suppose i told her something about her legs being nice or soft or something. when i looked up... and it wasn't my ex, i began to cry again... tracy just calmed me again, and she kissed me... i asked her why she did it, she said it was because she knows how hard it is to go through heartache, and she thought i was cute and figured i'd throw up soon and she wouldn't get the chance to do it. that made me laugh. my brother's friend brought me a glass of water and told me drink it. i drank it all, and he brought me another. again i drank it all. this made me need to throw up. tracy walked me to the bathroom, and watched over me as i prayed to the proclean god. my brother, his friend, and i, left the party to head home at 3:30 am. still drunk i passed out in the backseat of my brother's friends car, my brother sat with me to make sure i didn't die. we got home at 4, he walked me to my room, and made sure i was able to get into bed without falling over. then he left. October 31, 2009, 6:00pm- 3:00am -- the best and worst night of my life. i later found out that the txt that nearly killed me... was NOT from my ex, but from her ex who hates my guts, and is now one of her best friends. funny how that works... we have since then reconciled, and made peace (my ex and myself i mean). last week and weekend was awesome... me and my ex reconnected. we were happy... we are happy. lots of things will be better... soon i hope. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
7:05 pm	A couple of poems I just wrote... In my nights of restless dreams, There are no thoughts of happiness. Often times my head is full of screams, I try to keep them quiet, I fear they'll seep through my mouth, Awakening all the other voices of pain, The voices I've managed to placate for weeks, With promises of release. My heart overflows, Innumerable emotions bubbling withing. Nothing else can save me from this darkness, I lost the path days ago.                                                                                             I wish the world could feel the weight of my heart. I wish the world could hear my silent sobs. I wait in bed, for the body of love to creep back on top of me, Waiting to feel the weight of warmth, Waiting to feel the heart of another. What's the point of feeling my own sick heart, It's beats make me more depressed than having it. At night I wish it would stop, I wish I didn't have to feel the slow beats, Everyday my heart feels heavier, The beats remind me of what I no longer have.                                                                                           At the Curtain's Close At the curtain's close, I'll be saying goodbye. When that red satin wall comes down and covers my stage, Hiding me from you all, There won't be anymore shows. So tonight i say goodbye, I'll miss you all. The skies will cry when I am gone, You'll all laugh because you think because you think I'm kidding. Till in the morning, When you go to look for me. I won't be there anymore, It's time to find another, Someone else who'll do all the things you've made me do.                                                                                             Goodbye Tonight Goodbye sweet love, And all the Angels from above. No more will you worry, I won't be getting into anymore trouble. Take care sweet love, Don't lose your sleep at night. I'll be there in your dreams. I'll be there in your shadow, Making sure your steps are safe. Sweet dreams dearest. I'll keep watch over you. Goodbye tonight. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: The Fray - Heartless (Cover) (Comment on this)
12:05 am	It's been a long time... and i figured it was time to say something to whoever may be going through LJ and decides to read any of my posts. in the course of 10 months, i've had the most amazing time. i went to summer school this summer, that was not fun, but i got to spend some "quality time" with my angel. she got to celebrate my 20th birthday with me. that was the best birthday i'd had in ever... that was the most amazing summer ever.   I had to transfer from Holy Hell University to UNT... i'm happier here. closer to home, and i've made friends that are like me. i've joined the gay group here. and i love it here. though it's been a hard first semester, due to some... troubles... i'm ok. i can say that i technically don't have anyone, but, in a way i do. she'll always be my angel, and i'll always be her little monkey. she tells me nothing will ever change that. right now we're at a point where... things could be better. i believe it to be mainly my fault. i could be better. i could be more well behaved.   eh... enough about this... i took a walk today... it was cold and rainy. i need to clear my head. i wanted nothing more than to smoke a cigarette and just sit in the cool crisp air. but i gave up smoking. and i can't say i'm sad about that. but i was sad to return to my quite dorm room. i don't know why i expected to see someone here. i don't know who i expected to see, maybe i wanted my angel to be here. i don't know. i guess i just didn't want to be alone tonight. in a couple of weeks it will mark 4 years since my uncle passed away. i'm not going to lie and say that it gets easier with the years passing... cause it gets a hell of a lot harder. i just wish i had someone to keep my mind from sad things these next few weeks :( god life sucks right now. i'm tired... i'm done now   Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Anya Marina - Satellite Heart (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
8:11 pm	a long overdue update yet another christmas break has ended for me. this means that i am now at 2 and a half years left till i am done with school. but that also means, that next year i get to live alone, and i get to have my angel visit me. but besides all that future stuffs... this break was amazing. i got to see my love twice :D and i got to, finally after 2 yrs, kiss her. and holy shit it was amazing. i have never loved someone as much as i love her. she's amazing. i could die now and be happy.... i should probably try and think of more to write. but for now... this is it. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
8:54 pm	so i spose i should update myself on whats going on with me... cause i know i'm the only one who reads this shit i write... well... me and my girl.. and maybe my brother... well the best thing happened a few days ago... she came back to me. yeah i know... some people think i'm setting myself up to fall again. if i am... i don't care. i've never been happier. so i could care less if things go south again... in all honesty, i don't think it will. i think we'll be happy this time. i believe that with all that i am. i love her, i really do, with everything i am. its one of those "love you so much it hurts" situations. for both of us. and could you believe that someone actually was under the impression that i would hurt her! that i would dare to "be" with anyone on the side! some people just don't know when they've been beaten by the best. and hell.. its about fucking time i realize that i'm pretty damn great. not as great as my girl... but i'm not too far from that level of greatness, lol... i think everyone that pays attention can tell that i'm substantially happier than i was before. and its all because she's my girlfriend again. i would never hurt her, never force anything on her, never make her do something she doesn't want to. i respect her way more than any of those other fuckers... i care about her more than i've ever really cared about anyone. she's pretty much the most amazing person i know. i could go on... but there just isn't enough time to say all the wonderful things about her. i love her. with everything that i am. i would do anything for her. she's mine... and i'm hers... we're pretty much meant to be that way. being with her just feels right. like when shes next to me... or when she touches me... my heart skips a few beats, then continues beating but at a much faster pace, i even forget how to breathe... but enough of that... so yeah... thats my update to myself and whoever else stumbles upon this. Current Mood: loved Current Music: Katy Perry - Electric Feel (MGMT Cover) (Comment on this)
8:45 pm	A poem For My Uncle I’m not sure if you knew That I really did care about you. I still remember all those times that you would take me to the park, We’d play outside till it started to get dark. You would take me on the roof with you, And you caught me that time that I slipped thanks to my shoes. You would bring me gifts, And send me things in the mail, All those times you got locked up in jail. I still have those pictures that you had drawn for me, Back when I was possibly three. So you see Uncle Jesse, I do still remember how much you loved me. I still have good memories about you. But I also have the ones that I wish would disappear, The ones of that night when the doctors took you away. When they couldn’t do anything to save you, And I had to watch as they had no other chose than to take you. “Do we take him off support?” was the question that they asked grandma, I know you couldn’t hear that. Then I was left to watch your life beep slowly away. That one tear stream from your closed eyes. A night filled with sights and sounds that haunt me to this very day. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Yoshida Brothers - Nabbed (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
9:12 pm	stuff i shouldn't think about but did...  why does it, now, bother me that i can never be as insecurely happy as i once was?  why does it hurt me now when i see her pictures? why does it make my insides contort in such a painful manner? perhaps i should take daniel's advice and just drop communication. erase all lines that lead to her. make it like she never existed in my life............ perhaps i should..... but there is no way in hell that i could pull that off.  sadly, she was the first person that i ever felt so strongly about... the only person i could and would die for, die to protect, die to love.... now i've died because of  her.  i honestly feel nothing for other people, besides my nephews.  i thought i would forget it all... be indifferent to whats happened. only because i knew it was inevitable. i knew what happened would happen... i just didn't want to believe that it would happen so soon...  though i could less about the pain that its causing me. i know she feels no pain... so i try my hardest not to let mine seep through while i'm talking to her.  i have been successful... aside from friday night... i screwed all my hard work over... i let my fear and anguish seep through and i showed some of it to her... but she didn't know what caused it. and hopefully she never will... but if she does... i'm sry... but i know i should forget all this and get over it. though how can u get over something that is at the tip of your thoughts, waiting for you to let ur guard down so it can creep in and ruin all the walls and things you put up to block it from hitting you where it hurts......impossible....... i spose i should finish my dinner and prepare for my first day back at school.... ... i need to get away from texas..... Current Mood: drained Current Music: Debussy - Claire De Lune (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 7th, 2008
10:07 am	One Fucked up thing after the Other my, now ex, girlfriend cheated on me with some fucktard from work... tells me the day of my little b-day party. HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY to me... i've felt many different types of heartbreak... but that one was the worst.  but i recovered.  i'm fine now for the most part. and like a lovesick puppy, i still feel that one day we could be together... but i know that there's no way in hell my friends will let me do that to myself again. i honestly don't know if its worth putting myself through hell and heartache.  i'd still do anything for her though. all she has to do is ask. i don't really approve of who she has become, but... what say do i have in anything, right. not like she'd listen to me anyways...maybe.  on to other things... i was so afraid that i wouldn't be able to go back to school... my loan wasnt appoved and everyone i called said that i was approved and it was up to the school. the school said that i was denied the loan... and i just kept going in circles... two hours of being on the phone with all these people and finally... i got it all settled... now i only have two weeks till i go back to school and one of my guys, jose, still isn't back. i only got to hang out with all my friends the week after i came home for the summer.  i miss the big guy... but he doesn't get back till two days after i leave. i work a crappy job... but get paid lots of money.  i hate working here... i like being outside... so i guess thats all the shit for now... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: The Fray - Over My Head (Comment on this)
Friday, July 25th, 2008
4:56 pm	strike me please...  i've posted a poem... but i don't care... the thing that is bugging the hell out of me, is that even though i have every right to be pissed and to speak my mind, i can't.  i am a very strong speaker/writer, and once i get going... i get going. i could hurt every ounce of a persons soul if i allowed myself to speak freely about how i feel about certain things. i am not the type of person who seeks retribution.  but maybe its about time i let go.  i mean... the love i have for her... its going to waste. whats the point in loving someone who will never "love" you again.  its driving me insane trying to figure everything out... and i've had enough sleepless nights. its time for me to just give up. never before have i given up on something/someone... but i've learned the hard way that there's a first time for everything..... Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
9:31 am	Here is the poem that i've said i would post My realization   You would trade me for my sibling, Oh I should've known from the begining. You would leave for someone new. You would tease me with your love, Then go to someone with a joke or two. You would say your love is true, Who knew you would do something so low, Such as turn and fool around with someone that you barely even know. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Secondhand Serenade - Broken (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 24th, 2008
12:57 pm	a poem by me... not the one i've meaning to put up but its one... when you look into these cold eyes, what exactly do you see? can you see the stains of the tears, that nightly stream down my worn out face. in all that i've done, in all that you've seen. my eyes will no longer tell the truth. so hidden are the signs of fear, the signs of love, and the signs of hate. no longer do these eyes show warmth, but only the cold of the painful dark death.  (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 29th, 2008
1:13 pm	so life.... and all its wondrous things... blah... being at home isn't all that great. i don't really get to hang out with my friends, and i have yet to see my girl. i got a job in a law firm. bleh... its fun sometimes, but other times i could jump out the window. but its money.. and i need plenty of that. so yeah... thats my life in review... so far. Current Mood: awake Current Music: computer humming (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
11:54 am	i wish my friends could read this... For two months, I have been struggling with the idea of forgiving her. Then one day this month, I decided that I had already forgiven her, it was myself that I had yet to forgive. What I mean by that is that, I hadn't let it be known that I was pissed, I kept all my feelings inside me in hopes that they would go away. The anger went away, after a very long while, but the sadness and love that I felt would not leave. My best friends would tell me to forget her. Start over new with someone else. But to be honest, I didn't want anyone new. I would have been happy just being alone for the rest of my life, because in my eyes, there would never be anyone better than her. I still loved her and that would never change, so it would be unfair to anyone else. But my friends could never understand that. In their eyes, as well as in mine, she did me wrong. Though to my friends, I would be an idiot if I tried to get with her again. But that was all I wanted, and if I couldn't get it, then I was done. So eventually I allowed myself to not care what would happen. Though deep down I still just wanted to be with her again. I falsely filled myself with... idk... but I falsely stopped caring. And I believe it was slowly tearing me apart inside. I told my friends that I was done, that I didn't care, they believed me, but I didn't believe me. Every time she talked about whoever she was dating, be it the lil' shitter or whatshisface, I was torn. I died a lil more inside. My friends knew this, they could see it made me sad, but they continued to believe I was over her. I could never be over her, she's all I think about, my poems would have no emotion if it weren't for her, my life would have not emotion, no meaning, if it weren't for her. But none of my friends understood this. And now, the love I've held on to, it was worth it. She came back to me, and I became happier. Granted the pain and hurt is still there from the initial fact. But I'll heal. Though I was hopeing that my friends, my best friends, my "family" as they may be, would just be happy that I'm finally back to being happy. And not the fake happy that I had been every time we were out. Only two of them, TWO out of EIGHT of my closest friends, actually told me that they are happy if i'm happy. They weren't even friends I've known the longest. Eventually after I had to convince my other friends that things would be different, only then, did they say "as long as you're happy". They still don't understand why I love her, and to be honest I don't either. But I know without her, my life is dark and useless. I know that when I talk to her, I feel like my words are meaningful. She makes me feel like I am worth something, and she lets me know I am. I just wish they understood. Current Mood: good Current Music: Plies - Hypnotized (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
11:46 pm	When you try your best but don't succeed... When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face            And I Tears Stream down your face  I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face            And I Lights will guide you home  And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you -Fix You by Coldplay- i'm sure you're trying to figure out the significance of this song... it makes me think about me... about how i can be so madly in love, and be so unable to let go. but thats what she needs... she needs me to let go... so she can figure out if i'll be what she wants. thats all i want, all i ever want... i want to be hers.  i don't want to be anyone elses... but what choice do i have. this summer, i'm sure i will do one of those "summer love" things.  and i'll feel terrible about it in the end. maybe i am a player. maybe not. more likely not. i've always been loyal to those that i date. and i could never hurt her. but i have, and i'm an idiot for those times i hurt her. i just want to hug her again, tell her i love her. but i want to do those things without the fear that if i open up too much, she'll leave me. i know, thats an unfair thing to say. but its what i fear. most of my fears are illogical. maybe i'll never get over her. even if i'm never to be with her again, even if i get with someone and end up marrying them. she'll always be the one that i let walk away. maybe i am losing heart. i've stopped fighting. i haven't given up, i just... stopped fighting. i've accepted what i've been saying for a year and 6 weeks, she could always find someone way better than me. someone who her mom approves of, someone she can talk to, someone she can hug, someone who can hold her and keep her safe.... someone not me, not a screw up, not an emotionally unstable asshole. i want to cry right now... but i can't, not till the lights are out and my roommate is asleep. i want to be able to tell my mum "i love her and there isn't anything you can do to make it go away"... i want to be able to talk to her mom without the fear that she'll call the cops on me.  but i honestly won't be able to do that until i know for sure that we'll be together in the future... that we'll be happy... this was long... sort of... but i had to get it out. Current Mood: sad Current Music: The Spill Canvas - Low Fidelity (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2008
5:49 pm	went on a campaign this weekend....  Went to something called the HEB Foundation Camp.... OMG it is sooooooo beautiful there.  We got there friday about 7 or so... and walked around, got to know the place.  I promise you it was the third most beautiful thing i've ever seen. So we ate dinner there.  After dinner we played games and just hung out.  It got freekishly cold friday night and so i had to cuddle with myself in my sleeping bag.  Sad day for me... lol.. but then we got up at 7:45 for breakfast.  Then at about 8 or so we left "camp" to get to work.  First we layed sod down, holy crap... that stuff hurt like hell... scratched up my hands and arms some...  Then once we finished that, we went off to do the hard work. We get across the camp grounds, there were a lot of acres, and or new job is clearing out cedar trees.  Yeah, we tore down cedar trees and it was FUN!!! though.... me and a few other folks got tired of trying to just cut down the trees, so we started pulling them out.  i started the whole thing by sitting down on the hill and pushing with my feet against the bottom of the tree... then others started to help me... eventually everyone started doing it. lol... it was fun.  Two of the trees ended up on top of me and people didn't know... so they kept pulling the trees down... and crushed me under them, till i was able to roll out from under them lol... but i got more cuts and i gained some bruises.   then me and a group of the girls decided we would tackle some of the trees on our own, i ended up being the muscle... sad day... lol... but now my arms and thighs are sore.  plus i have cuts all up and down my arms, and above one of my eyes lol... and one massive cut above my elbow, as well as another massive one on my left leg.... but i love it... hard, manuel labor... i LOVE it... i love feeling sore after working... its M azing... and just seeing all the beauty out in the hill country... makes me wonder why i have problems with "faith".... lol... oh well.. but yeah... thats my weekend in review... Current Mood: amused Current Music: Good Charlotte - I Don't Want To Be In Love (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
9:08 pm	For 4 days... I've been debating wheather or not I wanted to write my inner most feeling about the shit that has been going on in my pathetic life.  Only question now, where do I begin?     We'll start with me.               So I've had a pretty shitty cough this whole week.  Went to the clinic on campus and they told me they couldn't prescribe anything because the "head" doctor wasn't there. They told me to go to the walk in clinic down the street. So I had to have my mum fax my insurance crap to the clinic. That was fun cause I got a shot on my hip, and I got told that I have bad chest congestion that got infected, and if I don't get my meds soon it could get a hell of a lot worse. Plus the only person that I have been in love with for over a year has proven to me, that time changes people. I love them so much that it hurts me to see that they aren't the same person I fell in love with all those years ago. But thats the next topic. I have this 10-12 pg paper I have to get done by May 5 and I barely have a page. I'm so not enjoying this year. Well... the end of it at least.  Now to my next topic.     Now to the one I love.... I now use that term loosely. I'll explain why towards the end.             All through out high school, at least after I met them, I devoted everything about me to trying to be at least their friend. Then one M azing day, they told me that they liked one of their friends. Turns out it was me and I was stoked. We got together, went through so much shit together. But we lasted, we still loved each other. We didn't get to talk to each other the rest of our time being a couple, but as soon as I got away, as soon as I got to college, I made sure I would be able to talk to them. And after a year and six weeks of being "happily" together, they left me. Because they were too sad without me, they left me for someone who made them forget how sad they were, someone who made them laugh. I want to understand, how we went so long without even being able to see each other or talk to each other, and after we were able to at least talk online, thats when they can't stand to be without me. And now they were left by the person they left me for but once again, they are with someone who makes them laugh, makes them forget how "sad" they are. If someone funnier were to come along, would they leave this kid for the funnier one? I gave up so much for them, I lost so much trust, all for them. Maybe they were too young. I don't know, but they aren't the same person I fell in love with. And this makes me far more sad then the things that they have done this week. Everything that has been said and done has been trying my love, trying my heart. I hate to say that, but its true. I still love the person I fell in love with 2 or 3 years ago, but I'm not too sure if they still love me, thats why i use the word "love" loosely. I think I would still do anything for them. No, I know I would. I still care for them, that will never change. But yeah, thats the shit that has been happening this week in my pathetic life. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Secondhand Serenade - Broken (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
10:39 pm	God enjoys repeating pain for me.  But you know, I'm just kinda... gonna let it slide.  I think its time to figure out if I'm actually thinking right.  It felt like a knife was being plunged into my healing heart.  But oh well...  I still blame my mum.  Maybe if she were more accepting my life wouldn't be so shitty.  Its always nice to be able to blame someone else.... yeah. Other than that... I really have nothing else to say. Current Mood: numb Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
10:00 pm	Tonight... I felt a fear that I've only felt a few times before.  Times when I held my own life in my hands.  A fear that I might loose everything that I care about, everything I love.  Self-inflicted injuries... something that I haven't thought about in a long time.  But this time, it wasn't my thoughts.  Granted, as I sit here coughing my lungs into non-existance,  I do have certain thoughts to make it stop. But my fear, gripped me by my throat and held me hard against the fucking wall...  and yet, as I pushed past my friend who was trying to help me feel better, I felt that everything that mattered most to me, was falling from me... also as I held myself against the door of the elevator, crying so hard I thought the world could feel my sorrow...  but what good is it to cry, if you can't do anything to effectively help. I want to help, I really wish there were something I could do to make myself appear in your room so that I can talk to you, so I can help. But I can't...  ...and I'm sorry. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Plain White T's - A Lonely September (Comment on this)
Friday, April 4th, 2008
1:42 am	so its almost 2 am.... and i can't/don't want to slp....  so i'm listening to music... and pretending to study for my astronomy exam that is tomorrow... i have art at 8... and astronomy at 9.... then english at 10... then chapel at 11.... and i was going to lubbock... but i decided i should do my school work instead of going on the campaign...  omg... i think college is going to kill me...  Current Mood: crappy Current Music: Overseer - Skylight (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
3:13 pm	Given my recent ride to hell and back... I've come to the grand conclusion that all I've ever wanted in life, was to be happily in a relationship with one person.  But the thing that confuses me is that I am so deathly afraid of commiting to a person... how can I want a happy, one person relationship? I had happiness once, and I managed to flirt with people, and to create feelings for other people, though the feelings were completely false.  I know this because, now that I'm not in a relationship, I don't have those feelings anymore.  Am I just one of those destructive people who when they have something great they feel obligated to fuck it up. Granted I keep getting told by my ex and many of my friends that it was not my fault that she left, I believe that.  Its just that... how can someone who claimed to be happy with me for a year just up and decide in a week that maybe I'm not the one that was put here for them?  She had to have some help from yours truely.  I want nothing more than to be happy... but to be happy with her.  I honestly could care less about myself.  Maybe I am just a lovesick puppy.  Unable to let go of someone who was so amazing, so great. Should I let her go and let her figure out if she feels the same as me?  I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did let her go.  I loved her since the very first day I met her.  That was a few many years ago.  What is a broken, lonely heart to do?? What am I to do?? There is a song by Seconhand Serenade called Like a Knife... This song reminds me of that night: I did a lot, I know you say I've got to get away. "The world is not yours for the taking" Is all you ever say. I know I'm not the best for you, But promise that you'll stay. Cause if I watch you go, You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away Cause today, you walked out of my life Cause today, your words felt like a knife I'm not living this life. Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same. These streets are filled with memories Both good for detected pain And all I wanna do is love you But I'm the only one to blame. Cause today, you walked out of my life Cause today, your words felt like a knife I'm not living this life. But what do I know, if you're leaving All you did was stop the bleeding. But these scars will stay forever, These scars will stay forever And these words they have no meaning If we cannot find the feeling That we held on to together Try your hardest to remember Stay with me, Or watch me bleed, I need you just to breathe. Cause today, you walked out of my life (Stay with me, or watch me bleed) Cause today, your words felt like a knife (I need you just to breathe.) I'm not living this life Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Secondhand Serenade - Like A Knife (Comment on this)